On May 20th this year I will have been single for two years. I have only managed to date one person out of this long gap and to be quite honest, God has shown me that I certainly am not looking at relationships through “spiritual lenses.” When I first entered into the season of singleness, it was not glamorous or exciting at all. It was pretty dark and terrifying actually.
I vividly remember driving home from that empty Kohl’s parking lot with the same empty feeling in my heart. My head was pounding and my eyes were blurry from the endless tears just flowing down my cold cheeks. The roads were not lit at all, just how I viewed my life in that moment. The only thing I had left to hold onto was my faith in Christ. When I arrived home that painful night, feeling nausea and fear, God revealed to me a verse that shaped my relationship with Jesus: “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power,love and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7. I read that verse with complete trust and faith. I knew that God was leading me out into the wilderness, ready to explore His raw and wild being. I will not lie, I had to go through some pretty devastating days.
I remember my mom gave me some advice that helped me through the bitter feelings I had: “you have to grieve this person as if they died. If you need to cry or scream, then do it. Do not hold any emotion back.” Well, my friend, that is exactly what I did. I would scream until my lungs gasped for air. I would lay on my bedroom floor just simply repeatedly saying Jesus’ name over and over until my mind went numb. I had to go through the emotions the way God wanted me to. We cannot skip any process of grief, or hurry it per se. I would venture out into nature and worship God with reckless abandonment because that is where I found my refuge.
Up until today I am still struggling. I fell deeply for a man who never returned the feelings back to me. Every day I questioned my worth because of this ones’ person rejection towards me. The man I dated ended up leaving me because he thought I was too “emotionally intense.” I would cry, have anxiety attacks, and allowed my spirit to flow downwards because I have always sought to find my image in a man, not Jesus. God shows me this verse two years later with a gentle kiss: “We must keep our eyes on Jesus.” Hebrews 12:2
My dear brother or sister, if you are in or have just entered the season of singleness, do not look at as a prison. Do not think of it as a place of rejection to the worldly values of relationships. We must take heart that in our singleness, we are to build, grow, and be rooted with our true love. I have heard that if we are in the season of waiting, we are in good company. Everyday you feel unloved, God’s love grows deeper for you.
I am aware I have shared my story of how I overcame the pain of last storm I endured. I just find it very important to express the lesson I’m wanting to share: you can still choose to smile in the midst of agony. I’m sure there are some eyes reading this feeling heavy, tired, and wanting them closed forever. Before you click the exit button of this blog, friend, just leave with these words: your past doesn’t define you. Your pain isn’t your thoughts. Your sadness isn’t your feelings. Your anger isn’t your heart.
If you just endured a heavy burden, I understand that these words may have just went over your head completely. Go through the process of anger, denial, and sadness. It is okay to feel like getting out of bed is the hardest thing. It’s okay that looking at your blank phone screen makes you feel hollow. It is okay to miss that person who you never thought would walk away. But, it is not okay to stay in that dark place. Clouds cover the sun at times, but it still does its work to keep shining its light. So should we. I went through a trial of isolation. This isolation was beyond difficult.
There were moments I felt like I had everything, and more moments I felt like nothing. There were times where being at the grocery store was too much work for one day. I always felt like I needed to be with someone. I usually tried my best to stay as far away from my room because being alone frightened me. Instead of running away from loneliness, I delved into it. I became friends with myself. I started to take walks in nature, write poetry and blogs, and be more organized. I started to see myself the way I should have: beautiful, kind, and enough. The more time I spent alone, the more God made home my heart.
Up until now I have been so content with me. I always have found my security and self worth in men. Now I find it through me. I learned how to love others the way I want to be loved. I learned more about my flaws and how to cope with them. I learned to be happy with what I have, instead of dwelling what I lost. And you, my beautiful friend, can have that same luxury. You can see past your pain, and smile.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7 NLTComing into the life of singleness, I was like how most people are: scared, angry, lonely, and broken. There were a lot of restless nights, and empty chest feeling days. I longed for that person from time to time, and things didn’t end well at all at the time. But that’s when God began His work. He wanted to show me what real love really is.
I know most people don’t look back on a day where a long term relationship ended as a good thing, but that’s the only way I can express my situation. It has been a year already that I chose to walk into a path unknown, just like Ruth. And it has been the best decision I have ever made.
As months went by, I entered a season of isolation. I had to cut off all of my past in order for me to really focus on God. I spent day and night in prayer, and that is actually when I started to get deep into blogging. I fell in love with reading again, and I began to really learn just who Jesus really is. Also, I found a quote that has stuck by me: “I want to be a woman that finishes well.” That quote pushed me into losing weight. I ventured out and found a nearby lake that had a four mile track. I was intimidated at first, but I slowly adjusted to the length of the walk, and I have been going ever since. I have lost 30 pounds so far.
What message I’m really trying to say here is, I know my worth. I know I am loved. I know that I can be happy, independent, and mature without being in a man’s shadow. I learned so much about myself. I used to be mentally/spiritually immature, I used to be close minded about learning and trying new things, I used to be so lazy, I used to hold grudges and refused to forgive, but I learned that forgiveness is a key in setting yourself free. I learned about loving others more than yourself. I learned about praying for your enemies, even if they are causing you nothing but pain. But, most of all, I used to be so far from God and His endless love for me. I know God had me go through this year for me to understand that I am more than what any man I’ve been with tells me. I am grateful for the pain, I am grateful for the loss, and I am grateful for the lonlieness. My heart has developed a different kind of love. I am so blessed to have really found Jesus.