Choosing my Disorder

I was 13 years old, sitting in my choir class, when I realized something weird was going on in my body. It was an ‘unexplainable’ discomfort that I only felt at the time in my diaghram, usually when I sang. I thought I was having bowel movement issues at first. While riding in the car, this weird discomfort would go ballistic. I reacted in a way that resembled a seizure. My mom was completely freaked out so she took me to my primary doctor. He could not diagnose me.

A sinking feeling I never had before began drowning me.

He referred us to a neurologist, which freaked me out more because I discovered in that moment something was imbalanced in my brain. The nice doctor was able to quickly diagnose me with Tourette’s.

I want to delve deeper into my disorder. It causes physical pain, but the mental pain is much worse. The first couple years were rough. I was bullied, people would mimic my condition (tics) and my want to leave the house was becoming a huge chore.

I feared being close to people because my arms would flare without warning. Singing became almost impossible because it would be hard to breath or react to my tics because if I didn’t, it would cause huge discomfort. My arms, legs, stomach, and eyes feel pain every five seconds. Like muscles spasms 24/7.
I watched a girl move her stomach really fast in class, as mine does constantly, and laugh at me with her friends. In the middle of class.

I feared being laughed at and hearing jokes like, “why can’t you keep still? You got Tourette’s? Wow, you’re so weird!” I felt alone. Outcasted. Depressed. I wanted my life to be over. It became too much for me my junior year. My dad had to tell me to be confident and accept this disorder as a part of me, or rejection would destroy me.

Overtime, I chose to live life with my disorder. I helped a young girl with her own disorder when she wanted to commit suicide one day. That moment made me realize that this disorder is a way for me to have a positive voice in a dark world.

“Powerless Sin. Romans Study: Chapter 6.” By: Melodie Rose Jordan.┬á

Now that we have gotten to gist of God’s plan for us and the sacrifice He sent, it’s time to focus on the next important thing: through Jesus, sin is powerless.” When we died from our old selves, we sacrificed with Jesus. The moment we accept Jesus as the protector of our souls, we become one with Him. We need to acknowledge that our lives are now made new, pure, and whole again. “For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism.” (Vs. 4) 

There is one important statement I came up with that sums up this whole chapter: we need to understand the disadvantage of sin and the advantage of God. 

Disadvantage: a sin controlled life leads only to death. It has been stated in many stories in the Bible that before Christ came, God watched with heavy eyes, His own people living their lives the way they pleased. Adultery, gambling, drunks, murder, and everything in between. God had enough of this. He saw His own children, his sons and daughters of Heaven, practically drinking their own poison from their sinful desires. 

Advantage: As God grew tired of this treachery, He looked over at His perfect Son and knew what had to be done. Okay, let’s pause here for a second. How many of you would die for someone? I mean go through pain, flogging, mockery, and forced to walk covered in your own blood kind of death? I’m going to be honest my hand is not raised. I don’t know anyone really who would have taken the atonement that Jesus took. His love for us what so great to Him. He looked through throbbing eyes and still saw us as His people. 

 So here is another statement to reflect on: Lust leads to decay (hell). Love leads to salvation (heaven). Jesus’s sacrifice was that he laid down His life for ours, knowing the wrong we did, knowing how much of a drift we created from God. When He died, we died with Him. When He rose from the grave, we rose from our own graves as well. He died once to defeat sin, and now He lives for the Glory of God.”  

You need to know today that you are not a slave to sin. Sin is powerless as long as you accept that Jesus resides in your flesh and makes you whole. You need to know that your life can be controlled by the spirit and you can have a life full of great joy and peace that only God can provided.

Now you’re free from sin, your old master, and have become slaves to your new master, righteousness. Romans 6:18