Choosing my Disorder

I was 13 years old, sitting in my choir class, when I realized something weird was going on in my body. It was an ‘unexplainable’ discomfort that I only felt at the time in my diaghram, usually when I sang. I thought I was having bowel movement issues at first. While riding in the car, this weird discomfort would go ballistic. I reacted in a way that resembled a seizure. My mom was completely freaked out so she took me to my primary doctor. He could not diagnose me.

A sinking feeling I never had before began drowning me.

He referred us to a neurologist, which freaked me out more because I discovered in that moment something was imbalanced in my brain. The nice doctor was able to quickly diagnose me with Tourette’s.

I want to delve deeper into my disorder. It causes physical pain, but the mental pain is much worse. The first couple years were rough. I was bullied, people would mimic my condition (tics) and my want to leave the house was becoming a huge chore.

I feared being close to people because my arms would flare without warning. Singing became almost impossible because it would be hard to breath or react to my tics because if I didn’t, it would cause huge discomfort. My arms, legs, stomach, and eyes feel pain every five seconds. Like muscles spasms 24/7.
I watched a girl move her stomach really fast in class, as mine does constantly, and laugh at me with her friends. In the middle of class.

I feared being laughed at and hearing jokes like, “why can’t you keep still? You got Tourette’s? Wow, you’re so weird!” I felt alone. Outcasted. Depressed. I wanted my life to be over. It became too much for me my junior year. My dad had to tell me to be confident and accept this disorder as a part of me, or rejection would destroy me.

Overtime, I chose to live life with my disorder. I helped a young girl with her own disorder when she wanted to commit suicide one day. That moment made me realize that this disorder is a way for me to have a positive voice in a dark world.

Purest Bliss

The sun poured into my window like a flowing stream

Its colors of orange and yellow bursting with gleam

I arose differently that day, as if I were on a cloud

No dark storm or aching pain could ever overcrowd

I swooped up the lace dress draped with jewels

Twirling and dancing as my feet hit against the toole

This day had finally come, the day I have dreamt

The man I was about to marry, who will forever bring my heart content

My life changing for the better, my heart at the fullest

My friend, my husband, my love of the purest bliss

 

Shallow End

The golden suns shines brightly onto the restless ocean.

I watch as the waves would crash against the shallow end; crawling up the shore higher and higher each time.

I walk towards the water, feeling the soft sand and sharp shells press against the soles of my feet.

I enter toe deep at first, allowing the coldness to seep into my skin like wax from a burning candle.

The ocean reminds my restless mind that it is easy to be sucked into the tide after steeping off the safeness of the shallow end, but the current has other plans.

It devours our pathways and it becomes almost impossible to find once we want to return to the shallow end.

I choose, now, to stay on the shore where the sand is soft and warm from the sun’s tireless, beaming rays. Where I am safe from the chaos and raging storms that lie ahead.