Shallow End

The golden suns shines brightly onto the restless ocean.

I watch as the waves would crash against the shallow end; crawling up the shore higher and higher each time.

I walk towards the water, feeling the soft sand and sharp shells press against the soles of my feet.

I enter toe deep at first, allowing the coldness to seep into my skin like wax from a burning candle.

The ocean reminds my restless mind that it is easy to be sucked into the tide after steeping off the safeness of the shallow end, but the current has other plans.

It devours our pathways and it becomes almost impossible to find once we want to return to the shallow end.

I choose, now, to stay on the shore where the sand is soft and warm from the sun’s tireless, beaming rays. Where I am safe from the chaos and raging storms that lie ahead.

Adoration.

We become what we adore.

Isn’t that such a sinking statement? That whatever or whomever we invest our time into, we morph into what it is.

Some things can be full of life and vibrancy. Shaping our perspectives and growing our minds.

Others… can slowly, secretly, and painfully begin to kill us off. Until all that is left is our burnt ashes.

Adoration is a dangerous plateau. It makes our heart yearn after whatever or whomever we want to fulfill our desires. We can put a hold on things that once captured our hearts in a positive way.

Mine was walking outside watching the wind dance with the tree branches. I watched as the sky kissed the lake beside me, two lovers that no storm or skipping rock could break apart.

My mind became dark once I stopped seeking the light. That’s the thing about wandering, often times you begin to get lost. You can allow infatuated adoration consume your soul and churn your blood until it feels cold.

I’m ripping layers of sinful adoration off of my dry skin. New layers are being purified, hardened, and built with a tactical protection so that I can never latch onto what was trying to destroy me again.

I adore my Love, the One who saved my dead soul. He gave up His life so I could keep living mine. In His shadow I’ll forever be safe.

Fabricated.

Dust. Dust swarms around all of us. It creates thick and clumpy colonies in the darkest parts of our homes. Observing dust we can see the tangled cobwebs and particles collected over time. I am writing about the dust because my heart has been encaged in it.

I have allowed my heart time and time again to slip into the silkiness of sin, at first feeling comfortable and beautiful, but then the silk starts to itch and stick to the bareness of my skin.

I couldn’t escape the cobwebs entangled in my soul. I wanted to run away. I wanted to do anything to make the pain stop. Some points at the end of last year I gambled how much my life was worth and considered ending it.

My breath began to sharpen like a knife.

My sight became foggy and unclear.

My skin cracked and bled.

I thought it was done. I thought this was the end. I thought my life had said its Adieu.

And through that blinding pain and array of silence… I felt the touch. A touch that was able to penetrate the gnawing agony drowning my brain.

I know the Lord has been patient with me. He has interceded through the stickiness of cobwebs in my soul. He’s breaking any fabricated thought the enemy has created and I have kept believing. I am pushing through this.

“Sometimes Stars Fade”

It begins unexpectedly.

Sometimes things break. We strive to protect our desires, basking in the euphoria we feel when our needs are met. But once those desires become flat, we feel deprived.

Sometimes stars fade. We see the light. We know the path, it’s lit for us. No stumbling, just smooth sailing. The wind is blowing in the right direction, no clashing thunder tries to rattle the mahogany boards that make up our ships. It feels safe, comfortable, and secure. That is, until the stars start to clash down abruptly from the heavenly skies, making our clear path ambiguous. We begin to panic. Chests tighten, palms shake, hearts race.

When I put my hope and trust into things that are earthly, I’m choosing to quench my spirit with temporary water. I get flustered when I’m constantly thirsting for more earthly values. I shame God, and turn my bare, cold back against His warm, immeasurable embrace. I cut my feet constantly onto my shattered dreams, expecting to escape the bloody chaos. He still rescues me… because He knows that I don’t belong in the ground, I belong on the clouds.

Sometimes things break, but He chooses to fix our undoings over again. Sometimes Stars fade, but His ceaseless light burns my unlit eyes so I can see life through a perspective of the Savior, not the Serpent.

Tree

I am a tree
Standing still on top of hills. As they produce fresh soil for my viens and pump life into my being. My branches sprout high into the bright blue skies. I produce many things
Food for the nature, a shelter for the blistering weathers. I create an awe for passing travelers as my leaves burst into an pulchritude of colour.
I am a tree
I do not move. Only when the winds whisper sweet melodies into my limbs, making me dance to their interesting, cavort manner. Or when i am on the verge of death and the rain purifies me with its kiss of refreshment.
I am a tree
Taken advantage of. Being killed off, chopped to pieces by sharp axes of evil, and flattened by gruesome machinery.
I am no longer a tree, I am what you call a stump. No longer do i produce branches for life or sprout new leaves to attract visitors with my radiant colours. I am merely a helpless stump, longing for the life that has been taken from me.

“How I learned to smile in the midst of agony.” 

I am aware I have shared my story of how I overcame the pain of last storm I endured. I just find it very important to express the lesson I’m wanting to share: you can still choose to smile in the midst of agony. I’m sure there are some eyes reading this feeling heavy, tired, and wanting them closed forever. Before you click the exit button of this blog, friend, just leave with these words: your past doesn’t define you. Your pain isn’t your thoughts. Your sadness isn’t your feelings. Your anger isn’t your heart. 

If you just endured a heavy burden, I understand that these words may have just went over your head completely. Go through the process of anger, denial, and sadness. It is okay to feel like getting out of bed is the hardest thing. It’s okay that looking at your blank phone screen makes you feel hollow. It is okay to miss that person who you never thought would walk away. But, it is not okay to stay in that dark place. Clouds cover the sun at times, but it still does its work to keep shining its light. So should we. I went through a trial of isolation. This isolation was beyond difficult.

There were moments I felt like I had everything, and more moments I felt like nothing. There were times where being at the grocery store was too much work for one day. I always felt like I needed to be with someone. I usually tried my best to stay as far away from my room because being alone frightened me. Instead of running away from loneliness, I delved into it. I became friends with myself. I started to take walks in nature, write poetry and blogs, and be more organized. I started to see myself the way I should have: beautiful, kind, and enough. The more time I spent alone, the more God made home my heart. 

Up until now I have been so content with me. I always have found my security and self worth in men. Now I find it through me. I learned how to love others the way I want to be loved. I learned more about my flaws and how to cope with them. I learned to be happy with what I have, instead of dwelling what I lost. And you, my beautiful friend, can have that same luxury. You can see past your pain, and smile

“Find Joy in Fiery Trials.” By: Melodie Rose Jordan. 

“Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you.”‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭4:12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

There is something we all need to understand about this walk we are in with Christ. Just as Jesus endured trials, so do we. Now, I hope that doesn’t discourage you or make you resent taking up your cross and following the narrow path, instead, I want to give you courage today. These fiery trials are what help us trust God, when all else around us fails. I will give you three reasons to help you while you’re enduring these “fiery” trials, and how we can apply it to our walk with Christ 

Trials are Temporary: The pain we feel, will not last. Instead of focusing on when the trial will end, focus on how what you can change while going through it. Maybe you just lost a relationship you were in for a long time, and you are experiencing the heart break of it. Maybe you worked hard hours to obtain a certain position at work, but you were looked over again. Job was a bitter man towards God. He lost all of his ten children and he even said to God, “My soul loathes my life; I will give free course to my complaint, I will speak in bitterness of my soul.” Job 10:1

While losing his children is absolutely tragic, what can we take away from this? It is easy for us to let the suffering we endure blind our “spiritual eyes”. I lost a family that was so dear to me, but in that loss I gained the best relationship in the world: Jesus. God didn’t abandon Job in his suffering, just as He won’t abandon you or I in our suffering. “For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!” ‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:17‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Trials are meant to make us grieve: Grieving is the first initial step in a trial. We have to face the pain we are in, and root out what is causing our distress. God wants us to cry out to him. He wants us to sit at His feet while gnashing our teeth. Why would God want this? He uses our vulnerability and brokenness in order to create a more mature us. If I didn’t embrace the lonlieness and anguish I felt this past year of being single, I would have never matured or took the time to learn from the mistakes I made. I wouldn’t have allowed God to transform my pain into love and forgiveness like how I do now. “I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭119:28‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Trials build our faith: If we didn’t have to go through adversity, what would be the point of following God? If we only relied on our mere strength, would God’s will even matter? Trials put our faith to the test. We can either let the heaviness and the hardship of the certain trial we’re facing win us over, our we can believe in God and the fact that His Son endured the world’s greatest trial, death for our sins, and win over our trial. “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭5:3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

If you’re in a “suffering season” such as I am, and you are walking around with heaviness in your heart, look up to heaven and breathe in His Spirit. The fire you are walking through will cause burning and pain, but Jesus is burning with you. Jesus is holding your hand, telling you to keep going. He is reminding you that His love is greater than this Earth, and with Him we are more than conquerors.