Waiting is REALLY Worth It

I remember that day vividly. On a warm summer evening in July, I was feeling a sudden inspiration all the while being over cumbered with grief from a broken relationship, to start a blog. I excitedly texted my good friend Jinny that I would turn my aching pain into words for a part of my story and she couldn’t have been more thrilled for me. Writing really is a coping mechanism for me to release stubborn emotions. I frantically searched and found multiple sites on how to set up a blog, etc. I picked a site, a name, and what my writing would be based on. I then took it to the next level and clicked on the plus icon to start my first post!

That’s when it hit me.

I knew what I had to write about. I suddenly felt less excited and more anxious and sad. If I were to get my message out there as well as my emotions, I knew I was going to have to face them.

I had to re-experience the pain, anger, fear, and sadness I felt about that broken relationship and to find a way to put them into words and share it with strangers. That was NOT an easy thing to do. I knew I had to turn to God and pray my heart out about it. As time went on, my heart was letting go a lot of intense emotion and I felt an overwhleming peace about my past.

I wrote about my pain and how I coped with it (only through the power of Jesus Christ). I wrote about the seasons I had experienced: my love season with God and the importance of singleness, the pain with dating and to watch out for wolves in sheep clothing, and eventually about my season of severe depression and where I considered suicide last year.

This post today is a loving one. A post that reminds my heart why I started this blog in the first place. I’m sitting here at my black kitchen table with a mason jar full of sweet tea, glancing over at my husband of almost 2 months, just thanking Abba Father above that every tearful, daunting, dark nights I cried from sadness, the days screaming in my car full of anger, and praying and worshiping until my lungs almost collapsed led to this: waiting is REALLY worth it.

I found the love I was looking for in a person, but it goes beyond that. I found someone whom I love getting to drink coffee with every single morning. Whom I love getting to pick groceries and figure out a budget plan with every month. A love that lasts more than a Sunday. 3 years ago I was broken, lost, and then found me. I fell in love with being alone and enjoying me. Now, I fell in love with my husband and never want to be without him.

Fabricated.

Dust. Dust swarms around all of us. It creates thick and clumpy colonies in the darkest parts of our homes. Observing dust we can see the tangled cobwebs and particles collected over time. I am writing about the dust because my heart has been encaged in it.

I have allowed my heart time and time again to slip into the silkiness of sin, at first feeling comfortable and beautiful, but then the silk starts to itch and stick to the bareness of my skin.

I couldn’t escape the cobwebs entangled in my soul. I wanted to run away. I wanted to do anything to make the pain stop. Some points at the end of last year I gambled how much my life was worth and considered ending it.

My breath began to sharpen like a knife.

My sight became foggy and unclear.

My skin cracked and bled.

I thought it was done. I thought this was the end. I thought my life had said its Adieu.

And through that blinding pain and array of silence… I felt the touch. A touch that was able to penetrate the gnawing agony drowning my brain.

I know the Lord has been patient with me. He has interceded through the stickiness of cobwebs in my soul. He’s breaking any fabricated thought the enemy has created and I have kept believing. I am pushing through this.

“Spiritual Wounds: Cleansing.”

I remember being a kid. Yeah, I know I’m technically still a kid (just a bit taller, and more developed). But the days where I woke up with massive “bed head syndrome” and wore the same pair of shorts and play T-shirt 3 days in a row, excited to discover some new grand adventure just awaiting for me in my own back yard. I can recall always grabbing the nearest rugged bag and packing a few snacks, a flash light, and a book. I would then venture out the old tree house and camp out for the most of the day, creating some sort of story and escaping my own little reality for awhile. I also can recall in my so called “adventures” I ended up getting scraped up by falling, jumping, or climbing onto our “Climbing Tree” that was just outside my window. My mom or dad would have to examine my wound, disinfect it so all the damaging bacteria would be cleansed out, and bandage it right up. I felt so comforted and healed after each wound I developed was properly taken care of.

But sadly, here I am. An actual adult facing my reality adventures. Whether it’s going to work and being yelled at by a rude customer or getting onto for not executing my job properly, or to many broken end relationships. I have dealt with many wounds. The sad thing is, not each one did I properly clean. Each one I would face the pain very briefly, and cover it up with temporary, sinful pleasures or another relationship. I just reached a climax into these “uncleaned wounds” pattern and it broke me entirely. I discovered that God has been trying to tell me something all along: “Covering up infected wounds won’t provide any healing, just more collateral damage for the next wound.”

I have always been the kind of girl who HATES pain. I try to avoid it at any cost. I stay away from dangerous sports or drinking parties because I am afraid my life will be in fatal danger. Which, that is a good mind set to have. But when it comes to facing our wounds developed into a broken relationships, secret sins, or self loathing, I have been even more eager to avoid facing pain. Instead of living in fear, God DESIRES us to face our pain and work through it. I know He understands everyone’s healing process varies, but through God’s grace and the strength He provides, we can persevere and gain in what is called a “once-and-for-all-healing.”

“If we confess out sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us for our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

I am not saying at all this is easy. It took me YEARS to finally accept that pain is apart of our lives, especially in the walk of Christ. Jesus endured all of this kind of pain, and was incredibly faithful. Why? Because He trusted in the One who knows all, sees all, loves all. Our cleansing starts when we reach the end of ourselves. When the wound grows deep into our veins, throbbing deep and we feel our souls dying. Jesus wants you to be healed. Will you do the very hard thing and just letting go and trusting?

“He heals those who have a broken heart. He heals their sorrows.” Psalms 147:3