Choosing my Disorder

I was 13 years old, sitting in my choir class, when I realized something weird was going on in my body. It was an ‘unexplainable’ discomfort that I only felt at the time in my diaghram, usually when I sang. I thought I was having bowel movement issues at first. While riding in the car, this weird discomfort would go ballistic. I reacted in a way that resembled a seizure. My mom was completely freaked out so she took me to my primary doctor. He could not diagnose me.

A sinking feeling I never had before began drowning me.

He referred us to a neurologist, which freaked me out more because I discovered in that moment something was imbalanced in my brain. The nice doctor was able to quickly diagnose me with Tourette’s.

I want to delve deeper into my disorder. It causes physical pain, but the mental pain is much worse. The first couple years were rough. I was bullied, people would mimic my condition (tics) and my want to leave the house was becoming a huge chore.

I feared being close to people because my arms would flare without warning. Singing became almost impossible because it would be hard to breath or react to my tics because if I didn’t, it would cause huge discomfort. My arms, legs, stomach, and eyes feel pain every five seconds. Like muscles spasms 24/7.
I watched a girl move her stomach really fast in class, as mine does constantly, and laugh at me with her friends. In the middle of class.

I feared being laughed at and hearing jokes like, “why can’t you keep still? You got Tourette’s? Wow, you’re so weird!” I felt alone. Outcasted. Depressed. I wanted my life to be over. It became too much for me my junior year. My dad had to tell me to be confident and accept this disorder as a part of me, or rejection would destroy me.

Overtime, I chose to live life with my disorder. I helped a young girl with her own disorder when she wanted to commit suicide one day. That moment made me realize that this disorder is a way for me to have a positive voice in a dark world.

Waiting is REALLY Worth It

I remember that day vividly. On a warm summer evening in July, I was feeling a sudden inspiration all the while being over cumbered with grief from a broken relationship, to start a blog. I excitedly texted my good friend Jinny that I would turn my aching pain into words for a part of my story and she couldn’t have been more thrilled for me. Writing really is a coping mechanism for me to release stubborn emotions. I frantically searched and found multiple sites on how to set up a blog, etc. I picked a site, a name, and what my writing would be based on. I then took it to the next level and clicked on the plus icon to start my first post!

That’s when it hit me.

I knew what I had to write about. I suddenly felt less excited and more anxious and sad. If I were to get my message out there as well as my emotions, I knew I was going to have to face them.

I had to re-experience the pain, anger, fear, and sadness I felt about that broken relationship and to find a way to put them into words and share it with strangers. That was NOT an easy thing to do. I knew I had to turn to God and pray my heart out about it. As time went on, my heart was letting go a lot of intense emotion and I felt an overwhleming peace about my past.

I wrote about my pain and how I coped with it (only through the power of Jesus Christ). I wrote about the seasons I had experienced: my love season with God and the importance of singleness, the pain with dating and to watch out for wolves in sheep clothing, and eventually about my season of severe depression and where I considered suicide last year.

This post today is a loving one. A post that reminds my heart why I started this blog in the first place. I’m sitting here at my black kitchen table with a mason jar full of sweet tea, glancing over at my husband of almost 2 months, just thanking Abba Father above that every tearful, daunting, dark nights I cried from sadness, the days screaming in my car full of anger, and praying and worshiping until my lungs almost collapsed led to this: waiting is REALLY worth it.

I found the love I was looking for in a person, but it goes beyond that. I found someone whom I love getting to drink coffee with every single morning. Whom I love getting to pick groceries and figure out a budget plan with every month. A love that lasts more than a Sunday. 3 years ago I was broken, lost, and then found me. I fell in love with being alone and enjoying me. Now, I fell in love with my husband and never want to be without him.

Sparrow

I sat looking outside my frosted window; gazed upon a mother Sparrow with her babies

Three little beaks screeching loudly as they begged for their breakfast

I imagined what extremes the mother Sparrow must have taken to get her babies their meal

The brisk, cold winds cutting against her wings like shards of glass, or a hungered predator feasting his eyes on her elegant colors that enticed all creatures wide

Yet she pushed through bravely and boldly; determined to return to her kin to make sure their needs were met before her own

That’s the Savior’s love for you and I. It surpasses all human comprehension and breaks all the barriers of life.

That Sparrow would have gave her life if it meant her children were loved and cared for, so how much our Savior has the same love for us.

Adoration.

We become what we adore.

Isn’t that such a sinking statement? That whatever or whomever we invest our time into, we morph into what it is.

Some things can be full of life and vibrancy. Shaping our perspectives and growing our minds.

Others… can slowly, secretly, and painfully begin to kill us off. Until all that is left is our burnt ashes.

Adoration is a dangerous plateau. It makes our heart yearn after whatever or whomever we want to fulfill our desires. We can put a hold on things that once captured our hearts in a positive way.

Mine was walking outside watching the wind dance with the tree branches. I watched as the sky kissed the lake beside me, two lovers that no storm or skipping rock could break apart.

My mind became dark once I stopped seeking the light. That’s the thing about wandering, often times you begin to get lost. You can allow infatuated adoration consume your soul and churn your blood until it feels cold.

I’m ripping layers of sinful adoration off of my dry skin. New layers are being purified, hardened, and built with a tactical protection so that I can never latch onto what was trying to destroy me again.

I adore my Love, the One who saved my dead soul. He gave up His life so I could keep living mine. In His shadow I’ll forever be safe.

Fabricated.

Dust. Dust swarms around all of us. It creates thick and clumpy colonies in the darkest parts of our homes. Observing dust we can see the tangled cobwebs and particles collected over time. I am writing about the dust because my heart has been encaged in it.

I have allowed my heart time and time again to slip into the silkiness of sin, at first feeling comfortable and beautiful, but then the silk starts to itch and stick to the bareness of my skin.

I couldn’t escape the cobwebs entangled in my soul. I wanted to run away. I wanted to do anything to make the pain stop. Some points at the end of last year I gambled how much my life was worth and considered ending it.

My breath began to sharpen like a knife.

My sight became foggy and unclear.

My skin cracked and bled.

I thought it was done. I thought this was the end. I thought my life had said its Adieu.

And through that blinding pain and array of silence… I felt the touch. A touch that was able to penetrate the gnawing agony drowning my brain.

I know the Lord has been patient with me. He has interceded through the stickiness of cobwebs in my soul. He’s breaking any fabricated thought the enemy has created and I have kept believing. I am pushing through this.

2019… Don’t View it As Just a Holiday.

3….2….1…. *insert any noise here*

You may have just rang in the new year surrounded by good friends or loved ones, just anticipating that glowing ball on your tv screen to drop as your heart feels so much hope and relief that a new year is coming. 2018 has officially said its Adieu, and a clean slate has been established.

I know, myself, I was so happy, actually ecstatic to see 2018 end and 2019 begin. There is just a huge importance to factor… New Years Day isn’t just a holiday to drink blatantly or make one month commitments. It’s a new year, a new beginning, a free do over from any bad mistakes from the previous year.

You may have woke up and feel just the gnawing pain that 2018 brought upon you. Don’t fret…. God has you alive another year because He isn’t finished with your story. I wish you all the best year! A year of growth, success, love, forgiveness, and peace.

Love to all,

Melodie Rose Jordan

Author and Creator of melrosejordan.blog

“Seasons.”

Well, another year is coming to a close. Twelve whole months have just rolled by in an instant. This may come off cliche, but something about this year has been different. I remember each physical as well as spiritual season vividly. I remember each feeling, each lesson, and each verse God put forth in my sight. I would love to write to you just how the seasons we have experienced naturally affected me.

Spring: The flowers were beginning to bloom. The grass surrounding me beamed a bright green color. Each bird flying above me in the baby blue sky chirped different types of melodies. Yet, with all these new, positive changes I felt the sting of my pain. I was lonely, confused, and felt forgotten. I thought I had mended a relationship that was on the verge of “ship-wrecked.” I am here. I am out in the open, ready to receive God. Ready for His nature design to speak into my deaf ears and cracking soul. I am here. Raising my hands to the Holy One, awaiting His presence to pour down on me like a cool rain shower. I am here. Seeking His heart first, knowing all things will be added to me. Verse: “I will seek His kingdom, then everything else will be added to me.” Matthew 6:33

Summer: The day had arrived. The summer heat was not the only thing burning today. I felt my soul igniting like a flame, keeping my insides warm and alive. I opened the door to my new future; a new hope. I was greeted with many hugs and bright smiles. I heard a dull roar of applause in the huge auditorium, filling my heart with love and eyes with salty tears. I was ready. God had lead me here. I sat into the small pool, feeling the embrace of a kind hand. I closed my eyes, feeling God close in on me. I submerged into the water, as if God and I were intertwined, becoming one. I arose from the water feeling a different feeling. I felt like a bride who just kissed her husband. I became a lily among the thistles, never shriveled or losing color. Verse: “Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the young women.” Song of Songs 2:2

Fall: I watched the dead leaves fall from the huge oak trees as if I were staring at a reflection. I had let my flame dim. I began to develop hard emotions: guilt, shame, fear. My sadness consumed me like a tidal wave, crashing against my aching bones and pulling me into the deep, dark waters. I was losing grip of the light. I saw God’s hand reach out for me, but I kept getting distracted by the shininess of sin. My eyes began to grow heavy; the color of my skin pale. I turned to many things to fill this empty void, but I was only creating a bigger gaping hole in my soul. Yet through it all… God was with me. Verse: “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?” Psalms 139:7.