Choosing my Disorder

I was 13 years old, sitting in my choir class, when I realized something weird was going on in my body. It was an ‘unexplainable’ discomfort that I only felt at the time in my diaghram, usually when I sang. I thought I was having bowel movement issues at first. While riding in the car, this weird discomfort would go ballistic. I reacted in a way that resembled a seizure. My mom was completely freaked out so she took me to my primary doctor. He could not diagnose me.

A sinking feeling I never had before began drowning me.

He referred us to a neurologist, which freaked me out more because I discovered in that moment something was imbalanced in my brain. The nice doctor was able to quickly diagnose me with Tourette’s.

I want to delve deeper into my disorder. It causes physical pain, but the mental pain is much worse. The first couple years were rough. I was bullied, people would mimic my condition (tics) and my want to leave the house was becoming a huge chore.

I feared being close to people because my arms would flare without warning. Singing became almost impossible because it would be hard to breath or react to my tics because if I didn’t, it would cause huge discomfort. My arms, legs, stomach, and eyes feel pain every five seconds. Like muscles spasms 24/7.
I watched a girl move her stomach really fast in class, as mine does constantly, and laugh at me with her friends. In the middle of class.

I feared being laughed at and hearing jokes like, “why can’t you keep still? You got Tourette’s? Wow, you’re so weird!” I felt alone. Outcasted. Depressed. I wanted my life to be over. It became too much for me my junior year. My dad had to tell me to be confident and accept this disorder as a part of me, or rejection would destroy me.

Overtime, I chose to live life with my disorder. I helped a young girl with her own disorder when she wanted to commit suicide one day. That moment made me realize that this disorder is a way for me to have a positive voice in a dark world.

Purest Bliss

The sun poured into my window like a flowing stream

Its colors of orange and yellow bursting with gleam

I arose differently that day, as if I were on a cloud

No dark storm or aching pain could ever overcrowd

I swooped up the lace dress draped with jewels

Twirling and dancing as my feet hit against the toole

This day had finally come, the day I have dreamt

The man I was about to marry, who will forever bring my heart content

My life changing for the better, my heart at the fullest

My friend, my husband, my love of the purest bliss

 

“Jealous, Much?” By: Melodie Rose Jordan. 

Have you ever felt jealousy? I mean, it is a silly question. I believe jealous was wired into our human DNA, but I’m talking about the blood boiling, cheek burning, fist curling kind of jealousy. I can recall a sad time. 

I was in my senior year, a lot of my bad times were around this point unfortunately. I was very involved with choir, and every year we had a “masquerade” show where we got to dress up and sing Broadway musicals. Sounds cool right? Well, it was. It was also very competitive. You see, if you wanted to do a solo, you had to pick a specific piece, practice for months on end, and audition for the choir director. (Ps. He was not the nicest man to be around). He was very strict and kind of off putting. 

So, for FOUR years I practiced this one particular song. I sang in the shower, in between classes, and on my walks home from school. I got to the audition, confident as ever, and sang my best. My director said I did fairly well and it sounded promising. As the call backs came, I saw that he gave my solo to a junior who was shy and barely knew the words. I cannot even begin to express my jealousy. I let my anger and gossiping take over, and ruined my image with Christ.

Have you ever had a moment of jealousy? Let’s take a look at how God looks at jealousy: “For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.” ‭‭James‬ ‭3:16‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Ouch, right? Evil and disorder of every kind. When Jesus walked the earth, I am sure there were many people, including His own disciples, who were envious of His God given powers. I’m sure Peter wished He was the one to successfully walk on water like Jesus. I’m sure Timothy was jealous that Jesus could heal the sick with just the command of His words. And I’m sure Judas was envious of Jesus’s reputation. But, Jesus didn’t portray His talents to win friends and show off, he did so we could be served and to trust Him. When someone else gets something you want, remember that everyone’s plan is different. As much as I wanted that solo, I know that I was trying to gain self ambition and attention, which would have deceived God. Just remember that God will redeem you, just wait and instead of giving into the green monster of jealousy, ask Jesus to give you His heart so that you can love and support others just as He did. 

“6 years.” By: Melodie Rose Jordan.

I had no idea at the time that February 27th, 2011 would be the most significant day of my life. I awoke as normal. I picked out my outfit for the day, and jumped in my Nan’s car with my two other sisters. We arrived at our community church, and of course my sisters and I ran to the back to grab our favorite donuts and chocolate milk. We sat in our usual row, and began with worship. I did not pay in mind what the words were actually meaning, I just always thought the songs we sang were pretty catchy and upbeat. It was not until one of the youth pastors who got on stage that my life would suddenly change forever. He arrived to the mic stand, nervously breathing. I looked closely at his face, and could see tears welling up. I could sense there was something important he was about to say. He asked the congregation this question: “if you were to die, right in this moment or when you leave, where would your soul go?” That question hit my soul like a sharp arrow. I could feel my heart beating in my throat. He then asked for an alter call, and without hesitation I arose and walked to the front. Along beside me, my little sister joined in and we both gave our lives to Christ. 

6 years have passed, but that is one of the days I remember by heart. It has taken me 6 years to fully understand that when  Jesus was crucified, I was crucified with Him. (Galatians 2:20) He forgave my stainful heart, He chose me as one of His own, and has called me His bride. Here are 6 major verses I have lived by over the years I have been saved. 

•”For God so love then world that He gave His only begotten son. So that anyone should believe in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life”. The main verse of the New Testament. God loved me so much that He let His son die for my sins. That is a love I never want to live without. 

•”For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and hope.” Jeremiah 29:11. This was one of the very first verses I read and memorized. Right in that moment, I knew God loved me and that my life is secure in His hands.

•”I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 There were times in my first moments of being saved that I felt afraid, weak, and vulnerable. Reading this verse filled my soul with such hope. God always supplied me with His strength.

•”Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23 my heart needed protection. I was letting too many poisonous things in, until I decided to let my Savior in. He hasn’t and never will leave my heart. 

•”She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future.” Proverbs 31:25. Life comes with unpredictable people and situations, but with God as my ultimate Protector, I need no fear of what the enemy will try to block me with. I am safe in my Lord’s presence. 

•”“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭Over the past years I have seeked earthly value over spiritual value. God has awoken me deeply and has shown me His value of Heaven; which is eternal life. 

Jesus has been my friend, savior, lover, and protector for 6 years. Accepting Him into my life, heart, and soul was the best decision I made. Through so many mistakes, wandering away from my  Sheppard, and suffering through heart break, has been worth it. I was lost, but now I am found in His image. I was blind, but now I see things so clearly in His vision. I was so dark, but now I am shining so bright in His light. Jesus can be all of this for you, won’t you let Him into your heart?