Waiting is REALLY Worth It

I remember that day vividly. On a warm summer evening in July, I was feeling a sudden inspiration all the while being over cumbered with grief from a broken relationship, to start a blog. I excitedly texted my good friend Jinny that I would turn my aching pain into words for a part of my story and she couldn’t have been more thrilled for me. Writing really is a coping mechanism for me to release stubborn emotions. I frantically searched and found multiple sites on how to set up a blog, etc. I picked a site, a name, and what my writing would be based on. I then took it to the next level and clicked on the plus icon to start my first post!

That’s when it hit me.

I knew what I had to write about. I suddenly felt less excited and more anxious and sad. If I were to get my message out there as well as my emotions, I knew I was going to have to face them.

I had to re-experience the pain, anger, fear, and sadness I felt about that broken relationship and to find a way to put them into words and share it with strangers. That was NOT an easy thing to do. I knew I had to turn to God and pray my heart out about it. As time went on, my heart was letting go a lot of intense emotion and I felt an overwhleming peace about my past.

I wrote about my pain and how I coped with it (only through the power of Jesus Christ). I wrote about the seasons I had experienced: my love season with God and the importance of singleness, the pain with dating and to watch out for wolves in sheep clothing, and eventually about my season of severe depression and where I considered suicide last year.

This post today is a loving one. A post that reminds my heart why I started this blog in the first place. I’m sitting here at my black kitchen table with a mason jar full of sweet tea, glancing over at my husband of almost 2 months, just thanking Abba Father above that every tearful, daunting, dark nights I cried from sadness, the days screaming in my car full of anger, and praying and worshiping until my lungs almost collapsed led to this: waiting is REALLY worth it.

I found the love I was looking for in a person, but it goes beyond that. I found someone whom I love getting to drink coffee with every single morning. Whom I love getting to pick groceries and figure out a budget plan with every month. A love that lasts more than a Sunday. 3 years ago I was broken, lost, and then found me. I fell in love with being alone and enjoying me. Now, I fell in love with my husband and never want to be without him.

Battling the Enemy: My Journey with Tourette Syndrome.

I have discussed many times what my journey has been like with Tourette’s, but it’s never been in a good light. I have often caught myself being super negative and using a “poor me” attitude. That is NOT what God wants us to do with our trials. If we continue to speak out our “battles against the enemy” in a bad light, who is going to want to take off their robe and sandals of anguish and follow us? Who is going to listen to that still, small voice and hear the words: “You are chosen. You are more than what this world has to offer.” So, let me talk about how my journey with Tourette’s started.

I discovered that I had Tourette’s in 8th grade. I love to sing so much. I believe it’s one of the spiritual gifts God gave me. If you know me, I think praise and worship is the best part about serving God. How we can totally surrender to Him and sing songs about His love for us..it’s so amazing. So, as I was singing in my choir class, I noticed that my stomach started to feel funny. Almost as if someone were tickling me. Weird..I know, but I didn’t think anything of it. Weeks went by and it started to get worse. It was becoming so unbearable, I either had to clutch my music binder to stop my “episodes” from happening or I would immediately sit down in the middle of the song and get yelled at by my choir teacher. I didn’t tell her or anyone basically what was going on with me. How could I? I didn’t even know what was going on.

One day I was in the car with my mom and she looked over to a horrific sight. I was jolting in my seat. It looked like someone was electrifying me to death. The pain was awful. I had to hold back so many tears. She asked me what was going on and I replied that my body has been acting like this for awhile and I didn’t know what it was and that I was TERRIFIED. My mom immediately took me to the doctors. I sat quietly in the doctor’s office, anxiously waiting for my results and the doctor told my mom he was not sure what it was. My heart felt like it rose to my throat, trying to beat out of my body. In my head I was screaming: “YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? YOU’RE A DOCTOR! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW!” He then referred my mom and I to a Neurologist to do some more analysis on me. When I discovered that a Neurologist is someone who studies the human brain, I froze. Now something is wrong with my brain? How..what is going on?

As my mom and I went to the Neurologist, she ran some tests and after long, anxious minutes passed, she came back with the results. She explained to me that I have Tourette Syndrome: A muscular/vocal disorder I cannot control. WHAT?! ME?! WHY?! I began to do more research and discovered that only 2 percent of our population has this disorder, particularly mine being the rarest. I was scared. I was angry. I felt alone. Until, a still, small voice told me differently. The most accurate story in the bible about battling diseases is found in Matthew chapter 8:

“When Jesus came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed Him. A man with leprosy came and knelt before Him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.” Jesus reached out His hand and touched the man. “I am willing, He said. “Be clean!” Okay…lets pause there for a second. This man had LEPROSY. An INFECTIOUS disease that can spread and kill. That’s scary! Most people (including me) would not go near that guy. Jesus though…He not only listening to this sick man, but touched him and said “BE CLEAN!” I don’t know about you, but that gives me so much hope and comfort! I have been bullied so badly because of my disorder. I have had at times moments of huge depression, anger, and embarrassment because I am ashamed of what I have. But God..our beautiful God looks at us and says that I am GOOD and I am HIS! Another verse that I have been clinging to this week is 1 Peter 5:7: “Cast all your anxiety unto Him because He cares for you.” UHM HOW AWESOME! He not only wants us to tell Him our problems, but he CARES. So, my prayer for you today is that you STOP letting the devil tell you who are. It is LIES. God sees you for so much more. He sees you with beauty, grace, and everything in between. WE ARE HIS! ❤