Choosing my Disorder

I was 13 years old, sitting in my choir class, when I realized something weird was going on in my body. It was an ‘unexplainable’ discomfort that I only felt at the time in my diaghram, usually when I sang. I thought I was having bowel movement issues at first. While riding in the car, this weird discomfort would go ballistic. I reacted in a way that resembled a seizure. My mom was completely freaked out so she took me to my primary doctor. He could not diagnose me.

A sinking feeling I never had before began drowning me.

He referred us to a neurologist, which freaked me out more because I discovered in that moment something was imbalanced in my brain. The nice doctor was able to quickly diagnose me with Tourette’s.

I want to delve deeper into my disorder. It causes physical pain, but the mental pain is much worse. The first couple years were rough. I was bullied, people would mimic my condition (tics) and my want to leave the house was becoming a huge chore.

I feared being close to people because my arms would flare without warning. Singing became almost impossible because it would be hard to breath or react to my tics because if I didn’t, it would cause huge discomfort. My arms, legs, stomach, and eyes feel pain every five seconds. Like muscles spasms 24/7.
I watched a girl move her stomach really fast in class, as mine does constantly, and laugh at me with her friends. In the middle of class.

I feared being laughed at and hearing jokes like, “why can’t you keep still? You got Tourette’s? Wow, you’re so weird!” I felt alone. Outcasted. Depressed. I wanted my life to be over. It became too much for me my junior year. My dad had to tell me to be confident and accept this disorder as a part of me, or rejection would destroy me.

Overtime, I chose to live life with my disorder. I helped a young girl with her own disorder when she wanted to commit suicide one day. That moment made me realize that this disorder is a way for me to have a positive voice in a dark world.

Waiting is REALLY Worth It

I remember that day vividly. On a warm summer evening in July, I was feeling a sudden inspiration all the while being over cumbered with grief from a broken relationship, to start a blog. I excitedly texted my good friend Jinny that I would turn my aching pain into words for a part of my story and she couldn’t have been more thrilled for me. Writing really is a coping mechanism for me to release stubborn emotions. I frantically searched and found multiple sites on how to set up a blog, etc. I picked a site, a name, and what my writing would be based on. I then took it to the next level and clicked on the plus icon to start my first post!

That’s when it hit me.

I knew what I had to write about. I suddenly felt less excited and more anxious and sad. If I were to get my message out there as well as my emotions, I knew I was going to have to face them.

I had to re-experience the pain, anger, fear, and sadness I felt about that broken relationship and to find a way to put them into words and share it with strangers. That was NOT an easy thing to do. I knew I had to turn to God and pray my heart out about it. As time went on, my heart was letting go a lot of intense emotion and I felt an overwhleming peace about my past.

I wrote about my pain and how I coped with it (only through the power of Jesus Christ). I wrote about the seasons I had experienced: my love season with God and the importance of singleness, the pain with dating and to watch out for wolves in sheep clothing, and eventually about my season of severe depression and where I considered suicide last year.

This post today is a loving one. A post that reminds my heart why I started this blog in the first place. I’m sitting here at my black kitchen table with a mason jar full of sweet tea, glancing over at my husband of almost 2 months, just thanking Abba Father above that every tearful, daunting, dark nights I cried from sadness, the days screaming in my car full of anger, and praying and worshiping until my lungs almost collapsed led to this: waiting is REALLY worth it.

I found the love I was looking for in a person, but it goes beyond that. I found someone whom I love getting to drink coffee with every single morning. Whom I love getting to pick groceries and figure out a budget plan with every month. A love that lasts more than a Sunday. 3 years ago I was broken, lost, and then found me. I fell in love with being alone and enjoying me. Now, I fell in love with my husband and never want to be without him.

“Anger causes Bruises.” By: Melodie Rose Jordan.

I am having that kind of week guys. You know, the kind of week where you can’t wear your favorite shirt you’ve been struggling to find. Or you lost your car keys for the 5th time in one day (that’s usually every day for me.) or every little thing sets you off like a ticking bomb, annihilating everything in your path. This week has been a huge storm. Only one word can suffice: anger. I didn’t really realize until today that anger has been one of my biggest sins. While it is healthy and natural for us to have anger, we can let anger lead us into a very dark path, which is so difficult to come out of. Today’s key verse is from Ephesians 4: “And don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.” Ephesians‬ ‭4:26-27‬ ‭ 

I didn’t realize that I have buried a hatchet for my anger. Meaning that, every new day brings circumstances. Some good, and some have been pretty bad. The more I analyze the bad, I keep a time score in my heart. By doing this I created a black hole, pretty much letting a gateway of not only anger, but the enemy into me. It’s been poisonous and deadly. This week alone I regretfully admit that I have been only seeking the negativity. What in the world do I have to be angry about, if the one thing I have is Jesus? Me being human of course, it’s very difficult to balance spiritual emotions and human emotions. I can get all high and mighty after a good prayer or posting a blog post, but at the end of the day, it’s just me and my emotions. I either let them sit heavily on my heart, burning away my desire to seek God. Or, I can channel that negative emotion into being grateful

The reason why I name this post “Anger causes Bruises” is today I actually have a huge bruise on my hand from, you guessed it, anger. I came home after work today already fumed from stress and I needed to let it go. I banged my hands very hard on my table, while tears fell down my face. After letting out my last gasp of anguish, I looked at my hand and it has a small, bloody spot on it. I then saw an exact image of what anger can cause: hurt and bruises. It’s so easy for all of us to get carried away into our desires. We constantly ask God to grant us more. Don’t we see, He has given us everything. He gave us Him. He promises us a heavenly home, peace, and to always be with us through the storm. 

“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!”‭‭ Psalms‬ ‭42:11‬

So, today I decided that I will be grateful instead of resentful. Hopeful instead of regretful. I will raise my hands opened wide instead of in fist because I have the beautiful grace of God in me. We don’t need to be anger, we need to be happy. We need to spread this around. Let’s step away from how the Gentiles were. They only seeked lust and humanly flesh. We need to desire heaven and its King.