I was thinking back on all of the bad things I have done. Not in my entire life, that would have taken hours. More like the times where I messed up as a young teenager. In this post, I have something very deep to share. It’s very painful, very scary, and I may have a different look from some people. As it says in James 5:16: “confess your sins to one another…” so, here goes nothing.
It’s been almost five years since I had sex. Yep, I had sex when I was only a junior in high school. I was so distant from God. I became obsessed with sexual sin and the sensation it brought with it. I thought I was “in love”. I thought I had it all figured out. It wasn’t until after I had sex that I realized something: I didn’t have it all. I became dirty.” I remember walking home feeling like the most disgusting person in the world. I was terrified that I may have gotten pregnant. I was ashamed because would if people found out? More importantly though, I didn’t acknowledge this until now: I felt God walking with me, soaking in my shame. I didn’t talk to God about it at all. I became isolated from Him and buried the sin in my heart: “When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long.” Psalms 32:3 NLT
I remember when the guy I was with broke up with me. I painfully and regretfully remember how I acted towards him. My whole attitude shifted into evil and hatred. I spoke vile words against him, I became forceful as to why he was leaving my life. I felt that apart of me was stripped away. I remember coming home from school, with my face all blotchy because I cried my eyes out. I remember going to my back yard, raising my fists to God and would scream at Him asking why this was happening. I didn’t know this at the time but, God was a saving me. He was bringing me back into His place. He was having me go through pain. I sure felt the pain alright. I felt so broken. I felt like what was the point of living. Why was I here? Would I ever find someone again? I thought that person I was with was the only thing I had. Turns out I was wrong. I had to let the pain run its course: “Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me. My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat. Psalms 32:4 NLT
I remember going to church one night, looking at all my friends. I had a smile on, but my insides were shattered. I was very nauseas. I knew I had to confess. I knew I needed to tell someone what I did. The guilt was eating me alive. I listened to the message and afterwards, one of the elders came to me knowing I had something to confess. He pulled me aside and asked: “Melodie, did you commit something you know was wrong?” I told him that I had sex with that person. I let out so many sobs and hugs that night, but that was the first time I felt lifted. I went home that night and got on my knees. Instead of raising my fists in anger, I had them open with praise. I confessed to God what I did and He set me free. I knew that I was on a road to healing: “Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the LORD.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone. Interlude” Psalms 32:5 NLT
You see, God doesn’t look at us for our sin. He doesn’t justify it and say, “you messed up for the last time. I’m done with you.” Thank goodness for that. He didn’t abandoned me when I committed premarital sex. He stood by me. He waited until I confessed. He had me go through pain in order to gain strength, love, and forgiveness again. He will do the same for you. Just surrender.