I know what you’re thinking. “Great, another blog about the topic “love.” Maybe you’re like me. You just got out of a long relationship and you look at the word love with your face scrunched up and your tongue out. Believe me, I did too. My last relationship lasted for two and half years of my life. The relationship did bring me great joy, but ended with great pain and bitterness. I was not acting like my true self or representing Christ at all. I became very angry and hateful. I would say hurtful things to a person who was just as broken as I was. And even though the people involved hurt me so tremendously, I still had to listen to that small voice in my heart and forgive. “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others in their sins, your father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15. So, I had a decision to make. I either don’t forgive them and be rejected by God’s grace, or forgive them to gain everlasting grace. Of course, reading that statement is easier said than done, but it’s never that case with someone who is hurt and betrayed.
It’s only been a couple months since my relationship ended and let me tell you, I have found grace. When I decided that I was not going to take this heart break in a dark light, God showed His peace. A few years ago I dated a guy who was not on the same walk as me. And of course, like any Christian girl dating in an “unequally yoked” relationship, temptations started to build up. I fell into so much sin, my relationship with God, felt like it was stripped away from me like a knife cutting into the flesh. It was the most difficult experience I ever had to go through. I had to face the fact that I betrayed God, I sinned drastically, and I deflowered myself before marriage. I, still to this day, am ashamed and afraid that I’m not going to find a man of God who is going to accept me and my sinful past. I have been made pure again and have stayed pure. In any intimate relationship, sexual temptations crawl out of the shadows to lure us away from the light. I just had to stay strong and tell myself and my partner at the time that I was to remain pure and wait until marriage. He graciously accepted my sinful past and made sure we didn’t go “all the way.” Now you’re probably thinking, “so, if he accepted you and was “saved”, what happened?” Well, I just saw and dealt with things I never thought I would.
I saw how much an addict can be so aroused by the sensation the substance would give them. And I also saw how delirious they get when they run out of the sensation. I was verbally abused and treated like garbage because they would let their evil thoughts overcome their real ones. I was so betrayed and hurt, all I could do was walk away. The thing about this family is, I took and loved them as if they were my own blood. I shared every memory, thought, and breath with this family. I wanted to do everything for them. I wanted to give them the world. But, the cracks began to show when the drugs and alcohol came and controlled them. I was on the outside looking in, seeing the collateral damage that was being done. They didn’t see it though. They didn’t see the endless tears. They didn’t care to know how much pain they were causing. They were so content with their pleasures. That’s what made me realize that this situation was a perfect example of how life is without God. Without His spirit living inside of us. It’s important to realize that human relationships, substances, and the riches of this world will never satisfy us like God can.
When I finally decided to let that sink in, I found my One True Love. Jackie Kendall, author of Lady in Waiting, wrote this fantastic prayer: “Lord, You are my sovereign God. You know all about me and love me more than anyone else ever could. You know how I feel, what I need, and what my future is. I confess that I have taken matters into my own hands. I confess to being afraid of totally trusting You. Today I commit myself to focus on You and Your love for me. Today I commit to look to You for my future- not to my outward circumstances. Thank You for knowing how weak I feel, but being strong for me and in me. I love You. I choose to trust You.” That prayer help me begin my journey on seeking the true love of my life. I realized that all these years I’ve been seeking after love that will never satisfy me. All this time I had the True Love I’ve been searching for. That is, God is the Lover of my soul. He yearns for me daily and never walks away from me, no matter how off track I get. That alone is so overwhelming. But that’s just how God is. He loves us THAT MUCH. And I know when the right guy comes around, God will tell me to go, but until then I am only seeking after His Love. “I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me, just as my Father knows me and I know the Father and I lay down my life for the sheep.” John 10:14. We can all experience God’s love. Not just any love. TRUE, SACRIFICIAL, AND UNCONDITIONAL love. To all who read this, just know I am praying for you and that you will be able to experience a life with Jesus, because it will be worth the world and more.